by Motavenda Melchizedek
I thought about life
in both directions
and I found no peace there
anywhere
and wanted something different
something better than what I had
where I stood
in that particular moment
inside of the life I had created
with such determination
Unfulfilled
strained and suffering
deteriorating and beginning to die
I saw a movement
A way to move
the whole thing
in a new direction
To cast off with force
all that was never mine
but his
the hate he felt at the sight of himself
he threw at me
in my blond innocence
He hated me without mercy
With such momentum
he set my life spinning
thru time
and I have spun ceaselessly hated in
his direction
forever
A movement of hatred, dirt and disapproval
I have danced day in and day out
for eternity
in both directions
With complete intolerance of my own existence
I have spun ceaselessly hated
in his direction
Unknowing
not knowing
not seeing
how on earth
to stop
the movement of my own life
of his life
his movement of my life
thru time.
But today
for a moment
I saw
I saw a way to move the whole entire thing in a new direction
And I feel scared
and I feel hope
right now
in the slowing down
the forbidden slowing down
of his great momentum
of that hated momentum
My only dance familiar
strained suffering and unfulfilled
I have danced
deteriorating back and forth
day in and day out
for eternity
his movements
his motion
cast with such force
he threw at my blond innocence
the hate he felt
at the sight of himself
at the sight of me
and in my innocence I believed him
I believed he hated me
that it was me he hated with such force
with such complete determination
And I began to dance thru time and space
this hatred
to dance the steps of a being fiercely hated
so completely hated
by another
and in my purest state
my most innocent state
he hated me
and to my purest state
my most innocent state
I am to return
to turn
to stop turning
hated
to stop completely
and then begin
my dance
