by Moti
And I wasn’t asking
though I knew I needed
to face the remnants
of the of the blinding shadow
The shards of which
floating still
through my liquid mind
blinded me now
in some directions
I dreamt of the man
who was my boss
and his huge and malignant
sickness forcing its way
with his short mean
tongue
rapid
through my innocent lips
screaming
I fought I fought I fought
and I stood not a single single
chance
and awoke beaten and unclean
under the scent of his
oily breath
unable to scrub
his violations off me
I understood his family
its sickness and all the lines and all
the secrets that led him now
to where he was
and I felt indifferent and
discontent and full of rage
at the sight of him
I was nothing more than a way
to grow the malignancy further
a host unwilling
and with force
and with out say
and without a hope
to stop it
But what had led me here
to the scene of my own rape
all these years later?
and the blinding shards
I feel them now
floating still
in my liquid mind
Another shadow
another shadow
another shadow
It calls my breath forth
to speak my chanted words
I must dismember
I must awaken
I must slay the beast
I must slay the beast
I must slay the beast
there is no way out
there is no other world
I am alone
I am a child
I am being raped
with his hard
his oily little tongue
and I am afraid
and surviving
and I am running
and I am running
and I have run through
time
and I have run through
space
and now
it is not my father
here
it is his shadow
And now
it is not my mother
here
it is me
saying, “Let him. He is sick.
We need the money.
There is no other way
in this world.”
And I believe her
then
somehow
I buy it
for to know the truth
of my mother’s deeds
would be too much
and I would crack into
a thousand pieces
not a liquid mind
with floating shards
of a shadow unnamed
in need of slaying
And now I cannot seem
to not believe her
And now
and now
the sickness is upon me
Floating past the doorways
with the blood of god
upon them
and it is fierce
and I have awakened
amidst my screaming
afraid I am not in time
to save myself
from the vicious thoughts
of a world gone mad
I must dislodge this blinding
shard
stabbing the walls of my liquid mind
bleeding
I must find a way
there must be a world
where this is wrong
To rape a child
to ignore her screams
to leave her there
for her survival.
I am that child
and I am me
and I am everything I have known
and seen and been forced to swallow
until I am myself
completely
I have to
I have no choice
and I feel myself weakened
by the distance and the time
and the days and the people and the people
and the people
the endless people coming forth
to be him
and how dare he
and how could they
and why
on earth
does this exist
so completely
that I would not know
how wrong it is
All I know
is all I have seen
and the endless people
coming forth
how could they
if he
is she
is they
were wrong
It must be me
my screaming
wrong
I need to not scream
I need to survive
I need the money
I need my mommy
I need a world I can
hold onto with my little hands
and my mommy I hate her
now
for the things she does
to little children
She is a woman gone mad
shattered into a thousand pieces
and how dare I know
How dare I survive and survive and survive
through time
and to a space
where I will know everything
and I will not be her
to another child
I will not be her
to me
god damn it!
She holds her world strong
and all the world is strong
in its rape of the innocent
because of her.
My world is full of rapists
because she taught me so
and mother is always right
I do not believe
I can survive
without a thrusting stinking tongue
forcing its way
against all my might
down my elegant and virgin throat
And this enrages me
that I have been taught this
so completely
I am at a distance
but I have reached the core
and the shard is sighted
for elimination
I know it is there
I know where it hides
and I know its name
and now I know its source
and it is running
and running and running
and it will run
through time
and space
to whence it came
and I will be me
and all I have known
and all I have believed
on the surface force fed
until I know myself completely
and I am myself completely
and I call forth my world completely
Not hers
not her sick
malignant world
of rapists and their champions
and the mothers
the keepers of the sacred
truth gone mad
And the children born
to the sickness unnamed
and unwilling
and defeated
This is not the world
of my soul
this is the world of another
and me in it
and unwilling
to be defeated
by the sight of
the sickness
unnamed
My liquid mind
my liquid mind
my liquid mind
it holds the key
I will become myself
wholly
I will find the way
to know myself
completely
and I will be undefeated
and unwilling
to create my mother’s world
another’s world
with my own power
I have a vision
though shards floating still
blind me now in some directions
There is a world to behold
and I will see
I will call it forth
from the core
of my very being
And there will be no rape there
and there will be no violence
and the children
they will live in peace eternal
and the ones wounded by the world before
will be held in the light
of the sacred
and they will be exalted
for what they know and have seen
and it is they
who will hold the space for
the others
and it is they
who will be exalted
and loved and revered
for having created
from the darkest places
a world of blinding light
where all is seen
and all is known
and all is wonder
