by Motavenda Melchizedek


I find myself feeling nervous about the possibility of you coming out here and I just wanted to share my thoughts.

You are my sister and I will always love you. But, after our talk when I was in the hospital following my accident, I was made deeply and starkly aware of where you sit with our father and mother and with me in relationship to my own experience of my childhood. You have a fierce loyalty to the two people who sacrificed and maimed me on the deepest levels of my soul and my heart and my body in this lifetime and inside of this very world we share still.

So, I do not feel like I can open my intimate life to you. It feels frightening and unsafe to me to allow anyone from that family into my private world...into my home, my village...given the clear fact that I am a fucked up delusional liar in that collective story held by you, our siblings, our mother, other family, friends and relatives.

Everyone is allowed their opinion. I just can't be with people who are so fundamentally desecrating to me...to my heart...to my soul. I just love myself too much at this point. I am so clear. So healthy. So grounded in the light. I am unable to hold or share any space with anyone who is in this world who is compelled still to perpetrate and perpetuate what I consider to be evil upon my world and my inner child.

You and I have made fundamentally different choices in this life and those choices have led us to different destinies which happen to be at a great distance from each other.

I think it is good that we respect that distance...and maintain it....so that we can all exist inside of the same world without injuring each other further.

I wish everyone the best. And I know there is sorrow in this for everyone. But it is what is.

I love you...and perhaps we will meet again in another realm where all of this darkness is over and done with. For now...it is not. And, I cannot act as though there is a way to coexist with you in the light while you hold allegiance to those who raped and defiled me. And, to that collective which you are a part of that has no respect for me whatsoever. I have given my life to stop this disgusting abuse. And I will never hold or share a space of intimacy with those who have done the opposite and
who have never moved an inch or done anything but undermine my efforts which have been horrific and enormous and miraculous.

It is that simple. And my life is fragile and sacred and I must protect my heart from such energies.
I do not intend to be hurtful or to make you feel bad. This is just the plain and obvious truth of our relationship to each other at this time inside of this world.

Pretending otherwise is totally dangerous and dark. It is not something I am even capable of doing at this point.

I honor the part of you that does love me and wants to be close, but the unresolved, unaddressed darkness there between us from our shared past makes that impossible. Decades have passed now and the gap has only grown larger and more impossible to traverse. I will never go back.. I will never accept the fate of the unconscious. I made that choice the day I was born into this world. And I have never wavered from that for it is my spiritual path. It was never even a possibility for me....to give myself to that world. To accept such a horrific fate for my own child self. I could not condemn myself to that darkness or give my life and destiny to it.


What was a choice of light for me...is one you see a darkness. And, so, where does that leave us really?


Let us just wish each other well. And find our ways to love as much as we can in this world. And that love includes self love. Loving and honoring our own divinity.


There was never any way for me to do that while saying what was done to me as a child was ok. It was not ok. It will never be ok. For we are all sacred and we all deserve to be safe and to be loved by those entrusted with our care at the most vulnerable stages of life.


I love myself now. And so I must care for and protect the sanctity of my soul. I have no choice. I can not pretend that I am safe with you. I am not. For all the reasons I have just shared. I know it would be nice if we could just...by pretending...make it real that all was light and love and ok between us. But that is just plain untrue and totally dangerous for me. So, I say farewell for now.


There is saying I love by Rumi....Out beyond ideas of rightdoing and wrongdoing, there is a field. I will meet you there.


Love,

Moti