by Motavenda Melchizedek
We are all one...and we are growing and we are changing. We are connected. All of us. There is no way around that.
These are potent times. Rich and wondrous….hope-filled and terrifying. And we have entered new terrain. We have become more conscious of ourselves and of the world. And this matters. It changes things. It changes everything. As we awaken more, we begin to see clearly that we are interconnected. We can feel the latent power that lies within that realization. We begin to understand that we matter....and that what we do here....the choices we make....matter too.
Are we on the brink of an evolutionary shift? And if we are....what on earth does that mean?
What have we evolved from and what can we evolve into now? Where are we going and do we have a say in what happens next? What are we shifting into? What do we know now that we did not know before about ourselves, and our souls, and our true potential? What have we become capable of? And how will we go forward with these new abilities born of awareness?
The world I arrived into was far less evolved than any I want to live inside of. I want to help to build a world of hope. I want to take what I have become, and all that have learned through these trials and tribulations, and make use of it here somehow.
When I was a child I had no hope at all. None of us did. My father ruled our world. And darkness ruled his. We were born his captives….ensnared in his world. Trapped beneath the things that bound him. We were allowed nothing but to look up to him with reverence and accept his abuse. We lived under his spell and we all unraveled and lost ourselves there. We were allowed only to be puppets….controlled and used by him. Puppets used in his schemes of malice, to unbalance and incite insecurity and jealousy in each other, so we could be more easily victimized and manipulated into compliance.
Over time, and in a climate of normalcy, we all became afraid and unsure and without a center. And without a center, we could only turn back to him for acceptance and for a sense of safety. He was strong, but his strength was used to destroy us. He was cruel and vengeful and vindictive. And he forced us to endorse him....manipulating us, to be coconspirators, in his machinations.
He, like so many here, was a traumatized child who had never faced his past. Or healed his wounds, or had any space to grow compassion for himself. So, he too, was in reality only a puppet. Reenacting his own unquestioned childhood abuse onto us.
We were not allowed nothing but to respect him and be dominated by him. And hold him in esteem. And it was this elevating of him, the bowing down to our perpetrator, that caused us all to descend in value and plummet into hell. To spiral downward and become unworthy. We could only try to placate and appease him to try to minimize the harm, by not acknowledging it.
But why would anyone pledge allegiance to such things? Why did we accept the unacceptable? Why did he accept the unacceptable? It’s simple. Nothing else was tolerated.
How do I go forward now.…how do I take my place in the human race? How do I feel good about my seat there? Can I bring all that I am, and all I have become, to the table? Am I being asked to be less “evolved” in order to fit in? Less conscious.…about everything?
It sure feels that way.
But why am I here....if not to exist? Why have I gone through all that I have? Why have things turned out this way, and why am I considered wrong for doing something so right? Why have they abandoned me? Why am I here at this time? What is the point of all I have survived? What am I going to do now? How will I go forward?
Who am I now? And what I have become? It must be good...even if I don’t see my goodness reflected back to me as I look around. I feel like I live in a society that considers survivors of child abuse to be tainted and in need of containment. We are told we must “get over it” and “move beyond” what has happened. As though the wounds we have incurred make us different in a disgusting way. And that we can never be among the unwounded, unless we cut off our own history….lob it off....and erase ourselves somehow.
Suppose we did do that. Wouldn’t we just all end up in a world with even more of the same? I just don’t see that working. I have tried to exist among those who have lived through similar things but never processed what happened to them. The multitudes who have “moved past it” without ever dealing with it. They hold a space for their own abuse as though it was perfectly o.k. And they inevitably expect others to participate in the recreations of their unhealed pasts with them. We are expected to go along with it, without protest. Just as they were forced to do. And most people will comply because they have a shared fate. And so….we have a culture of dramatic reenactments of devastating dynamics in which we are expected to just accept these things, and normalize them, in everyday, ordinary exchanges.
I am incapable of this now. I have evolved beyond the parameters of such a world. I cannot endorse what was done to them. I cannot endorse what was done to me. I cannot play along and normalize atrocities. I cannot pretend and tell them that it was o.k. that they were treated brutally....even if they were forced to say so. Even if naming the shadow was forbidden back then, and they were taught that it was right to play along, and that they must do so for their own survival. I can not go along with them now and empower the energies that harmed them. Even if what I am doing is forbidden.
Abusive systems are built through intolerance. No one is allowed to speak out. If we protest, we imply something is wrong and begin to reveal the sickness. Everyone must play along. Everyone must deny how awful it all it is. And this leads to deeper problems, because the only way we can do this is by twisting our relationship to our own senses and rejecting what we are telling ourselves through our feelings. Everyone must say everything is fine if sick systems are to work. It is fundamental to abusive dynamics that we pretend reality is something much different than what it really is. People in dark worlds are considered crazy if they don’t go along with the program, no matter how insane it is. And, always, victims are blamed, so that the abuse seems justified.
This intolerance of consciousness explains why genuinely deep people have been systematically annihilated off the face of the earth throughout our history. There has never really been a tolerance for penetrating perception or true empowerment here. When we live on that level....the most profound....and deepest….most sensual and richest level of life....we are risking, because this society isn’t built on holding a space for that at all. This society is based on pretending things are different than they really are....which is the opposite of depth and truth.
Being inside of a world where so much harm has been done to so many people in these family systems is an overwhelming place to be. So few of us have actually addressed and healed the crimes of our childhoods. Those who have addressed these things, are in a predicament too. Where do we go? How do we participate if people are acting this stuff out all over the place? Where do we belong if what we are now is not allowed to be?
How can I be if I am not permitted to know? If I am the outpicturing of something forbidden....if what I symbolize is considered wrong....then what do I do? How do I feel good about where I am and become a symbol of health? And who came up with the equation that those who have integrated and dealt with their child abuse are sick and should be stigmatized? How evolved is that?
It is those who have not faced their abuse who are bound by distorted perceptions. Not the people who have looked and who have seen the truth of their own lives. I want to dispel the myth that integrated survivors of abuse must be outcast. We are amazing and heroic...and besides that, shaming people for being victimized is malicious. No matter what we have been taught.
I wonder now....where do I fit into the world? I have evolved beyond my place in my family. So, where does that leave me? Will I be the only surviving member of my tribe? I broke the barrier and became much more than what was permitted. And I lost them in the process.
My family has never moved an inch. Not in the direction of acknowledging my father’s atrocities. Or my mother’s. Or the dark nature of the system itself. They have never done anything but demonize and belittle me for owning how I really feel about it all. And I have never “gotten over” that. Because it is not “over.” Because there is a whole new generation born into that very system now....of vulnerable children. And, because these energies must not remain unaddressed or be given free reign to continue on here. That is just a horrific thought. And I will not allow my soul to be harnessed into compliance. I will not be silenced. I will not be used to sustain or empower what I know is evil by being convinced I am rotten because of their vile perceptions of me....that I am some sort of abomination.
For some reason that I can not explain, but that I know deeply and totally within own soul, I am not free to create and embrace an empowered destiny until I speak these words. There is some binding obligation that I carry and have never not been bound by in this life. And, the story isn’t over yet. My story isn’t over yet. I will exist here completely. No matter what they say.
There is something absolutely profound about seeing evil move through your own parents to destroy you. To realize you are inside of a world where this is going on unquestioned, is almost too much to contemplate. To know that you must comply with the most inhumane conditions in order to survive....only to break free and discover that you must move from there out into a larger world riddled with more of these energies and try to unfold there.
If we have reached the point where mothers are sacrificing their own children….are we are on the brink of the demise of our civilization?
Many years ago, I accepted an invitation from my sister to come to Boston for the holidays. I knew better, but I was weakened and willing to risk for even an illusion that my family loved me. She was eight months pregnant with her first child. She had promised not to fuck with me when I was there. She said she would not bring up how the family feels about me for having dealt with a past which they all think I had no business dealing with. I knew how wrong they thought I was for having gone to therapy and for working through what our father and mother had done to us.
I knew where she sat with me. And I knew she felt strong in her position and I knew that her new closest friend had just won the biggest lawsuit in the country against a therapist for implanting “false memories”. So….I guess….I should have known better.
I remember sitting perched on the back of her couch as she lay there late one night. Her husband was asleep and she and I were really connecting there in that moment, as sisters do. She was talking about her pregnancy and how she felt. She shared her fears. And I was there being my deep self….as always….loving her and supporting her and believing in her ability to be a good mother.
Then, suddenly, she began to tell me what she really thought about me. She told me I had been brainwashed by my therapist into believing I had been abused when it had never happened. She said that I was one of many victims who had been corrupted like this who were ruining the world. She told me how now, thanks to me, she was in a horrible predicament.
She said she could do nothing but fear the birth of her first child because he would now, thanks to me, be born into an unsafe world. She had come to the conclusion that because I, and other misguided tragic fools, had become convinced we were abused when we never had been, that we had now manifested a world full of predators and perpetrators who would otherwise not exist. And that she would not be able to protect her child now, thanks to me.
Wow. I was so floored and disoriented by her freakishly horrifying, insulting, and maddening theory that I flew home that night. That was twenty years ago and nothing has changed since then.
My mother says my father was “the sweetest most loving man” she has ever known. And, when I think of how protected my abuser.…dead now for twenty years….is still, and how his loyal troops remain so bound to him in allegiance, and how my own mother, his consort.…so necessary for the space to be held….still carries the flame....then I know that much is unaddressed and unresolved in this world.
It’s been so long now since I did my integration work around the abuse of my childhood. And for all these years, my family has held steady that I made it all up. And though I do not communicate with them or think of them often, it drains and undermines me still. Knowing this. Knowing nothing has changed here, even though I gave my life for our freedom.
They may feel like they have made it and arrived and succeeded. And in many ways, they have. But what they have failed to do, is exist beyond the bounds of the world of my father.
How could I not feel disturbed? Contemplating the size of it all, the strength of it, and the children of the next generation. What a dreadful thing to consider.
I am evolving. I am existing in forbidden ways. I am becoming more than I was allowed to be. And I come now to my final obligation.
I begin where I am....right here….still stunned….at the edge of the world....wondering how to enter more deeply into a place with so many people holding space for abuse. A place with so many still perpetrating atrocities like the ones perpetrated against them. Like the ones perpetrated against me. A place with so many remaining complicit through silence and demanding others do the same. So many maintaining a loyalty to the shadow and to the crimes committed against them, by dismantling any consciousness they encounter. Consciousness they encounter in the form of me. I don’t want to be pulled down by that world. I want to help evolve it forward. But I’m not yet sustained, so it’s hard.
Mine was a high functioning family with no external signs of abuse. They look evolved and they seem to be at the head of the pack. You would never suspect a thing. You would never know….if it were not for my presence there. A presence unwanted. Unsuited to the system. And my precious life is nothing but a monstrosity of horror when viewed through the evil lens set before me by my family. They made me feel so wrong for not staying there in that rotten place with them. And even though they are the ones who look so evolved and so together, and I look like such a failure, we all know that isn’t really the truth.
Everything has a purpose here or it would be extinct. And so, that must include me....and everyone else who has been broken open and exposed the darkness here and survived in spite of it.
This world is strange. It’s unending in its horror. You know things just don’t feel right. I know they should. I see that spoken everywhere. That somehow, I should feel ok. But I don’t. I feel trapped, terrified and vulnerable. I feel present on levels that are forbidden here, and I feel how my awareness has led me to a place that is dangerous. The grief at the thought, at the sight, of the real possibility that all I have seen and survived here was for nothing….well, that is unbearable. Yet, somewhere deep down, in the seat of my soul, I know that there is power in my experience. That what was done to me does not make me bad. It’s just hard to feel that after all I have seen and been told and after what I have seen reflected back to me when I have existed.
Somehow I evolved. Somehow, I became potential. But with nowhere to exist. What can I be now that I was unable to be before? What is the world that I survived all of this crap to become a part of? And where is that place that I became capable of existing inside of? I still feel like I am having to deal too much with the fallout of other people’s decisions to remain unconscious. And I’m sick and tired of it.
There are many things that bring me joy. My animals. My art. Learning. Existing in my metaphysical seat of power. Empowering the wounded to feel compassion for themselves. Standing by those who face down the shadow.
I also feel joy knowing deep within my soul what is possible here. Not just for me…but for everyone. And when I feel sustained…I am almost always joyful. And I can feel the greatest joy, because I have known the greatest sorrow.
It isn’t that I’m not functional. I’m highly functional. But somehow, I am stuck and not yet thriving. I feel as though, until I put this work out there, I will be on the other side of the wall. Separated from the flow of life. Stuck.
I wish I had something more acceptable to say. Something more inspiring. Something that would feel safer for me to express. And, I wish I were able to feel the safety and protection of established success as I come forward now. But I have none of that to shield me.
It is my path to speak from where I am no matter how terrified I am to do it. I do not seem to see another way to move on other than to come forward here now. Perhaps this effort will create more ground underneath to let me feel the power, the strength, and the self-worth to begin to create something better for me….something more. Perhaps I will know more clearly what it is that I want to manifest here.
I want to give a deeper space for my own consciousness and validate my own experience enough to be empowered to move past the other options here which all feel horrible. Everyone seems so overwhelmed here. In debt, trying to “make it”, trying to appear to be someplace other than where they are....more “evolved”....for their own survival.
I want to be free, sustained and thriving. I don’t want to be a captive slave. Exploited. And I will not be an exploiter who harvests other people’s life force for my own gain and survival. I want to do what I want with my own energy every day. I think we all do. I think this is a more evolved dream.
When I think about work and jobs and businesses and the whole weird thing of the set up here around survival, it feels like a vicious, unending cycle of despair for me. There is so much exploitation. I feel like all I ever do is work and I have nothing. At this point, I feel alienated from the world because I have never found a way to really thrive here. Which I know points to me as the problem.
But I think it is because I have evolved beyond all this.
My work is to write and speak and share these words. Perhaps I am just offering myself up as the dysfunctional nutcase to be analyzed by sharing my perspective here. Perhaps I am sacrificing myself up just as my mother did, and handing people a pile of ammunition they will use to harm me with later. But, perhaps, this is a path of light and I am sane inside of a world with much insanity. And, perhaps, I am good and always have been. Perhaps I have evolved and become something worthy of being. Perhaps I always have been.
Perhaps my value in this world is to walk through it and say what I have seen here. Honestly. Because it isn’t tolerated now and because I do believe we must evolve beyond abuse and beyond the confines of a slave race. And speaking out dispels these things. I want to be a part of creating something better. This is my job. This is my path. And I am not alone. I have met many others along the way who have been on the outside of life as well. Not knowing where to go or how to go about living life here. Lots and lots of them. Many brilliant and profoundly creative.
We are just not sustained here yet. We have survived something and it has changed us. And we are in the process now of becoming prepared to exist in a higher world, in a higher way. Until we are there, we are still inside of the original reality, built and sustained through intolerance of people existing empowered and authentically.
This can be disorienting and confusing. We might not be able to always feel love for ourselves or be nurtured because that’s really hard to do when you’re not receiving it. It’s almost impossible at times. But we have loved and believed in ourselves enough to survive it all without betraying who we are. Without cutting ourselves off from who we are. This is powerful.
Basically our population has done the opposite. And it’s very rare for somebody to be able to endure what we’ve endured and so they don’t. They just give up and deny themselves and jump into a reality that doesn’t really have any place for them. And live split off inside of that place. And the reality is that we all share a world that has been built and based on people doing just that. To many, it feels more comforting to stay inside of a sick family system and deny that it’s sick then to not have any place to go for Thanksgiving dinner.
When you live in a world that isn’t reflecting your beauty back to you….or recognizing it as beauty….it is a hard road. When your beauty is frightening and people want to kill it off or call it wrong, or dirty, or whatever, existence can be confusing. And, even if you become reclusive and try to just preserve yourself in safety, it still takes it toll.
So what about the human race? These days I watch it like we all do. I have an eye on it…..on me….on us. I see the impending “end of the world” scenarios cast up before us everyday in endless streaming stories pouring into our homes through the media. And I think, “Is this what we have evolved toward….destroying ourselves?”
We can all feel the potential. We can sense the latent power of our collective consciousness. We know we have the power to affect things….so what are we going to do?
From a metaphysical perspective, I think about the huge outpicturing of our collective self-annihilating history that we are expressing and seeing now. I am aware of the fact that there are a lot of people who are really capable of grounding themselves in the world but who haven’t for all these reasons I have spoken about here and many more….and because it hasn’t been time. We wait eagerly….like the proverbial horse at the gate. What the effects of these people coming forth will be….well that is totally unseen right now.
We still seem to be collectively looking out into a world that is saying all this stuff is here, and all this evil is everywhere and all this destructive energy that just dismantles souls is all around us, but we’re going to pretend that it doesn’t have anything to do with us.
What is our current state of evolution? We have come far, but I believe we can go much further now. If we take what we have learned about ourselves and work with the power of our feelings.
Something happens in all of the surviving. Something grows strong about a soul. Too strong for the world as it is. I stand outside of life and feel afraid to go into places created by forces that have tried to devour me. And I should. We all should.
There must be another world here about to be born because I can not leave myself behind to create a life which holds no place for all of me. I won’t do it.
I am a part of humanity and I deserve a better place here. There are things I need to make use of somehow. I have seen the darkness, and I can see the light, and that must be worth something. I don’t want to be cut off and cast out because I was victimized as a child. That is not my fault, and I deserve better than being pushed to the edge and condemned as gross and unworthy of life. No matter what my family says or what so many others have told me.
I believe that the shadow pervading this reality is existing here because we are not owning our true potential. I believe these energies are taking up the very spaces we will exist inside of when we move into our divinity here. There is a harvesting of sorts taking place now. And, for as long as we deny who we really are as beings, we will be unable to take up the space that the shadow has taken over.
It is time for reentry from a place of wholeness.
Are we really just a race of beings struggling for survival? Is this really all we are capable of….fighting our way to the top of the heap in a dog-eat-dog world? Or can each of us be the master of our own lives and can we live and thrive here together? Can we all exist here without compromising or sacrificing anyone? Can we take what we have learned and acknowledge it, and honor it, and use it to step into our power and divinity?
Of course we can. We can create a world where everyone wins. Where everyone shines. Where every soul is honored and given room to exist and invited into exaltation. If we are pinned down and forced to live unfulfilling lives, that can only create friction inside and outside of us. Being tethered....when we really need to be free....can never work or create anything beautiful. All we have to do is think about the force it takes to hold us down and out of our creative power to know how dangerous this is.
I dream of a world where the light of my soul pours uninterrupted into me. Not a world where the stronger I stand the harder darkness pulls to engulf and destroy me. I don’t want to be a part of a world where people climb on top of each other to succeed. Where only a few of us win.
There is a reason I have come here, to this world. And a strength that I had to grow in order to survive it. One I believe that we all must grow if we are going to be capable of creating a reality that is not shadow-ridden. A place where children are not sacrificed by their own parents and condemned for eternity if they dare to defy such outrageous conditions for “love” and family.
My dream is to live in a world where consciousness is not a curse or a threat or an impediment that makes life nearly impossible to survive.
If we could decide on what we want to evolve into next….what would we choose?
Why not choose a world where we all feel empowered and noble and where everyone is compassionate and wise? Where we are all safe and unafraid? And loved. A world where we are not affected or bound by things untrue. Where we all stand strong inside of the purity of truth and support each other there.
And trust what we know. And believe in our virtues.
And are divine....together….
I listen intently as the new age “philosopher” talks about childhood trauma on a popular primetime show. He has no patience for the past. And he certainly doesn’t want to hear the details of someone else’s pain. He says, when people try to bring up their childhoods to him, he strikes them down and tells them, “I don’t care about your ‘story’. I don’t want to hear it.” His tone is reprimanding. He will not tolerate it or indulge them. He says people bring up stories about their past because they are trying to make themselves seem “special”. “We’ve all been wounded”, he says….“We’ve all been hurt.…and, so what?”
He goes on….he dictates with absolute authority that this posture of self-alienation is the prerequisite stance we must each embrace, embody, and hold against the self if we are to have a chance at gaining entry into the world of abundance and happiness here on earth. Our past is irrelevant….he says….with the force of righteous condemnation. He is here to get us on track. We need to get over it. Get on with it. It’s time to shut down and shut up about our histories.
He is succeeding, and as I listen to him speak, my innerchild wants to die. I hear that I must agree to abandon myself if I am to be whole. I consider what he is saying. Something about where my outer life is compared to his opens me up to consider his point of view. I have become weakened from all the struggling to just get by in this paradigm....and so I consider for a moment if maybe he is right.
I am wondering if maybe he has something that can help me to get to a better place. I listen. I take in what he is saying. I absorb his words. I ingest his edict. I am to shut off and shut myself down if I am to have success here.
I suddenly feel ashamed that I have been so hurt in this lifetime. I am embarrassed to be me. There is a pit in my stomach. I have taken in what he has said and I feel afraid and disgusted as this energy….these thoughtforms….move through me.
His words are not unlike my father’s. I feel sick with a new fear and shame. I feel embarrassed that I am such a failure here. And this premise of his makes me feel dirty and more horrified than ever. How can this be? Where are these people coming from? How are they reaching such elevated places in our society? How can I be hearing this crap after all these years? How can new age “philosophers” be spouting this cruel and dangerous stupidity...and be succeeding on such huge levels?
Secretly, I know it is because they, and many others, have abandoned and condemned themselves, their innerchildren, and their pasts to an inaccessible place because it is all just too painful to contemplate or deal with. And this “New Age” celebrity is giving people hope and a way to “make it” without ever becoming whole again.
What he proposes is a scary thought to me….more people finding the way to manifest outward success without dealing with a thing. More people with money and power who don’t even have compassion for themselves. Who have not healed their wounds. More people who will be compelled to reenact their unaddressed traumas onto others and who will be in positions to demand compliance. More people who will feel empowered to do these and all other kinds of dangerous and unbalanced things with the force of money and success behind them.
I know too, that he is succeeding because he’s merely a reflection....an outpicturing...an expression...of our collective urge to move ahead without having to deal with this stuff. I can understand his appeal, because the alternative is daunting....and very unappealing. I know because I have experienced the great penalties here for refusing to comply or be willingly bound underneath the grip of the mighty shadow. I have been demonized for having escaped and saved my own soul. And I have learned there is much darkness in the world. I know it. I have seen it. I have lived and passed through it. I have been devastated by it. I have escaped its grip and because I have dared to do so, I have lost love. Or what is called “love” here. I have no family, no real loving support in my life that I can count on. And I certainly haven’t “succeeded”.
Last night I had the strangest dream. The one I have had nearly every night of my life. I am leaving an abusive place. Someone has been harming me beyond tolerance.
In this version, the abuse is taking place in the home of a family that I was abused with in my childhood. I decide to leave and begin to walk away. As I come down the driveway, the brother of the man who has been abusing me is there enjoying a cookout with a group of friends. I tell him I am leaving because of the abuse. And I reach out to him for some sort of camaraderie or validation. I tell him that I trust him.
I can tell he doesn’t really know what to do with me. Not in the midst of his pleasure. I begin to walk alone out of the neighborhood. I have nothing with me but a little stack of my writings and drawings….my chronicles....that tell of what I have lived through.
The pages are dirty and bent. I feel conspicuous. I have nowhere to go. I have no way to sustain myself. I have nothing but this little stack of papers. And I am engulfed in fear....to the core of my being. I am filled with terror. I am in that place where we meet the void where there is no comfort for as far as you can see. There is nothing but emptiness and darkness into eternity. And me. Heading deeper into its midst.
I continue walking. I have nowhere to go but away from there. My abuser’s brother drives up slowly behind me and tells me he can give me a ride. It is a creepy feeling that comes over me because I want to trust him but I know better. And if I were to listen to the deepest part of myself, down inside, I would hear that his loyalties are with his family. With his brother. And that he will take me down before this is over.
Somehow I end up living with him in a condo. It’s a synthetic place that I would never feel happy in. It leaves me numb and off balance. Somehow, I am with a new version of this man and we are now a couple....though I do not exist inside of the relationship.
He has paid the rent. And he has this horrible relationship to life that was born from his abusive mother. He seems to be together. Way more than I do. He is my cousin and also somehow this same brother of the man who I just left. So he’s my uncle. We have a home but it isn’t really one. It all feels hollow.
I am there, but I am so tentative that I am barely existing. Other people interact with us. They interact with him really, and then because I am there, I interface with them too. Though I would never be around them if I were not inside of his world. Lots of people come there and they are all my sisters and relatives. They are drawn to me because of something about my spirit. There is a quality of life about me that they can only love. And desire for themselves. But I am too primal. I am an animal to them. And I am caged and they find pleasure in the access that this gives them. To toy with me and to make me behave the way they desire.
Then suddenly, there is some type of intervention. Where every aspect of authority in my world and in that life rises up. And I am alone again in the void. Only this time they are there too.
They begin to confront me. The uncle tells me how outraged he has been all this time with me for the things I said to him at the cookout on the day that I left his brother’s house. He is furious that I said I trusted he would not strike me. That he would not harm my soul. He is indignant with fury that I had the audacity to put myself above him as some sort of judge by speaking those words to him. This is totally terrifying and confusing to me.
He and the others, including all my family members, begin to confront me about my work. About my writing. They are all around me and I am cornered. They show me that I am going through time with nothing but a little stack of worthless dirty papers that have no value whatsoever and say that I am using them to claim some significance for my life and for my existence. That I am posturing myself and on some ego trip trying to be above them by claiming all this importance in their world. And that it is a pathetic joke. An illusion that I have clung to in my madness. And they aren’t going to let me get away with it anymore.
I awoke in a panic feeling sick to my stomach. With that doomed feeling I have every day that the morning comes and I still have not found a way to build enough ground underneath me. And I am still here in this world. And I still have this work and the obligation around it. And I feel the worthlessness of my brilliance inside of the life I was born into.
I sob. And I look for another path that I can take. But I can’t find one because there is none. There is only this one road for me. I can not say why this is, only that it has been so hard and horrible and lonely. And at most times, terrifying. I do not know where it will take me. I only know that it is my path. One that I chose from some higher place in another time and that I must take into my destiny.
At times there have been others to travel with me, but now days....it is me alone. And there is just this work and my words and these sacred pages of mine so desecrated through time. Which I have held onto and carried with me to this place, against all odds. I am struggling now to share them....and I am afraid to.….because all I know is the world of that dream where there is no place for me of power and right relationships.
When I left the home of my abuser, I took with me only my soul and the clothes on my back and the knowledge of what I had experienced….of how wrong it all was....and an unwavering obligation, deep within me, to hold my truth. And to not be just another soul harnessed and used to perpetuate what I know is fundamentally evil. The journey out has been long and hard and lonely. The price has been too high. I have no family, no real deep love or support in my life. I work all the time and have nothing to show for it. I have no real “success” in the outer world because my work is really about this. It’s about addressing these unholy things. And I have just grown so tired from it all and I feel a weakness upon me.
But, I can not stay diminished and convinced of my worthlessness any longer. Because what I have done here is not worthless. No matter what my family says, no matter what society tells me. The world is changing, as are the many forms and faces of the shadow. Its methods of harnessing the language of light to destroy consciousness are becoming more than I can handle from a compromised place. So I will go forward now and hopefully it will make me stronger.
What surviving abuse gave me was great insight into the nature of the forces of good and evil. I was there to witness firsthand the dangers posed by the presence of darkness in the midst of unquestioning forces of light. I saw clearly, and with my very own eyes, that when the shadow is unseen and unaddressed, it is given full reign to move and to grow in strength and magnitude in ways unimagined. It is fact, that when dark energies are in positions of dominance over life and are denied, they have the full power to destroy all that is near and dear to us.
So we must rise up. And evolve ourselves into higher consciousness. I just know that if we exist in our totality, we will be in our divinity, and we will have all that we need here.
If we own what we have experienced and use the knowledge we have gained to our advantage, we can rid this world of darkness and move....and evolve….together….into the light.
Surviving this reality, as it is, with the injuries I incurred has been a feat of mastery. And I am not alone. I want to speak up for all of us who have done this. I want to say that what we have accomplished here matters. I want to say that what we have done here is really quite incredible. And that we should feel good about ourselves and use our new strength to lead the world to healthier place. Because we know the way.
The world that I was born into was a world built upon the enslavement of souls and the desecration of the human spirit. I was forced into bondage and expected to stay there forever without protest. But I didn’t. Breaking free of the ancient shackles, made stronger through time, was forbidden and I have done it anyway. And there are others here among us who have too. I just want to say that I think we are all extraordinary for what we have done.
I believe there is a new world about to be born that I have somehow been made ready to live inside of. It is not yet manifest, but I am still able to exist there sometimes….though it all feels too fleeting. Mostly, I am standing still at the edge of the world that I was born into….and not yet inside of the world to come….feeling panic and horror at the sight of my vulnerable state. And at how I show up here. The quintessential failure.
I know that I am more than what this paradigm says I am. I am more than my old car, my funky little rented shack of a home, my tattered clothes. I am more than my floundering little business that I have worked myself to the bone for that seems to be slipping through my fingers. I am more than my lack of family and lack of mate.
I am coming from a place that is beyond all of these things. I am compelled and inspired by something much deeper.
I am a metaphysician unwavering in my focus. I am profound. And I have accomplished the most amazing thing of all. I have survived and saved my soul. I have not gone unconscious even though it has cost me everything. I have not repeated the crimes committed against me. I did not become cruel...and I feel everything.
I am many things. I am a writer, an artist and a woman grown now....wanting to feel sustained and supported. I want to feel and own my place here. I want to thrive. I am alive....I am breathing….I am healthy….vibrant….and whole. I want to be here….in ecstasy….feeling everything.
The problem is that I just don’t see my way forward yet because nothing has turned out the way I expected. I don’t know or trust what is next because the manifestations of my soul in these realms has been a mismatch to the world of these days.
I actually thought my family would be happy that I escaped. I never imagined they would condemn me for eternity.
I have traveled a long long way in this life and it has led here. To this very place where I speak these very words to you now. I am out on a limb. I can not go back and I can not see any place inside of the old paradigm for me. I….somewhere….at some time….in some realm….set this up so that I must go through this very doorway….right here….right now….in order to be released and set free.
I am on the brink. I have reached a place I can not be brought back from. I am speaking out and saying how I feel. Even though I’m scared to death as I do it. I am taking a leap of faith here. I am daring to exist more than ever before. I am wanting….I am trying….I am daring…. to help bring forth a world that has a place for all of me and all of us….and for the full expression of my soul.
I am on the precipice of the greatness of profound and utter freedom….here….at the Edge of the World….won’t you join me?